I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
