How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
