So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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