FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
