I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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