i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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