she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
