I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
