four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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