I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
