don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
