i think my mom watched the whole time
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
