Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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