No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
