I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
