PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
