while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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