So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
