I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
