Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
