I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
