I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
