He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Congratulations! We have a period
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