Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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