he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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