can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize