you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
