she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
