this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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