I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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