You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
