I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
