rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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