I just pynch a tree in the face
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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