My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
high people should be assigned attendants
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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