Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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