i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
