I wish I only lived at night.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
