There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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