hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
it glows. i had to have it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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