At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
