Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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