i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
