I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
