I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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