i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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