so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
