To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
