somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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