i think my tv is drunk
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
