guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
