i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have demons in me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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