Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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