I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
