Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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