Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
