He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
