Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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