Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
