I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
