Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
