i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
